I’m going to come clean. It’s been hard. It took me some time to find my footing and I’m still trying to make my way through life post- fast. I guess I’ve been nervous about sharing my struggles. I feel like a bit of a fraud. While I gained a great amount of insight, pearls of wisdom and deep awareness during my 6 month fashion fast, some of that went out the window in the last few months.
Here's how it started: My fashion fast ended on January 22, 2010. I felt strong and focused. I felt confidant with the self awareness and confidence that I had gained during my self imposed fashion moratorium. In fact, I really wasn’t interested in getting back out there to shop. Though, as a symbolic act, and to mark my new found fashion freedom, I made a small purchase the week my fast ended. I bought a simple, black top, just to see what it would feel like. To my utter surprise I felt nothing. No highs, no lows, no anxiety. Nothing. I had aimlessly walked through the store, monitoring my emotions and feelings, preparing for I don’t know what, and as I took in all of the clothes and accessories, I wasn’t interested in a damn thing. I was proud of myself. After 6 months of not shopping, purging my closet several times, stripping myself down (figuratively speaking) to my fashion bare bones, I didn’t care, need or want anything. Phew! The fast worked! I’m a new woman! I don’t need to shop, I don’t need clothes, life is good…or so I thought.
It’s worth noting that around the time my fast ended I was in the middle of a huge life transition. I moved to a different state, in with my boyfriend, his three daughters and changed my work structure. Let me expand, on January 1st, I moved from New Jersey to Boston, in with my boyfriend of a year and a half and his three daughters (ages 9, 11 and 14). I received a job promotion, which involved a whole new area of focus, more travel and transition to working from home 3 days a week versus going into an office. While my two cats, my boyfriend, his three daughters and I have blended our families pretty well, it was and has been an adjustment for all (namely for me and my oldest cat who has taken to hissing at her new roommates, oh dear!).
Even though I knew that these changes could catapult me into some bad shopping behavior, I wanted to treat myself. It had been too long. I accrued some spare change during my fast and wanted to buy some fresh pieces to give my tired wardrobe the punch it had needed. So I carved out some “me” time one evening and went to my favorite store- Bloomingdale's. I walked through the women’s department surveying the scene for about 30 minutes… taking my time, touching the clothes, feeling the fabrics, observing the trends and just taking it all in. I was happy to be back in the world of shopping. Not in an addictive, “I need this” kind of way, but in an, “ain’t it great to be a woman” kind of way. I didn’t check price tags. I didn’t go to the sale racks. I wanted to look at what I liked and not have it be dictated by what was on sale. In the past, I would often settle for things that were on sale that I didn’t’ wholeheartedly like or need, because simply put, it was on sale. This time it was different.
I gathered up several dresses and tops and made three trips to the dressing room- trying on, modeling, putting back, and getting more items, repeat, repeat. I thoughtfully chose a lovely, classic navy blue Marc Jacobs feminine dress and a gray, long sleeved, billowy Diane Von Furstenberg blouse. I did it! I took my new found fashion wisdom and insight that I had gained during my fast and purchased two well thought out, well deserved, well made, classic items.
I liked how my new purchases brought life back to my closet. I liked the feeling I got (and the compliments…oh yes, ego was at play here!) when I wore these pieces. I wish I could say that the subsequent shopping experiences were equally as deliberate and modulated. Not so much. I wanted more. I needed more.
My fashion wheels started to turn and I was off! From my old favorite shoe web site- Piperlime.com to J.Crew, Club Monaco, LuLu Lemon, Anthropologie, Christian Louboutin, back to Bloomingdale's and back again, I was on a roll. While none of these purchases were frivolous, too much time was spent thinking about them. I knew what was going on for me. I was back to my old familiar place of shopping taking over my mind and body.
I also knew that shopping filled the time that all of a sudden I had been afforded. Now that I was working from home, I didn’t have my mornings and evenings filled with commuting. My boyfriend’s three wonderful daughters were with us half-time, so on the weekends and days we didn’t have them and my boyfriend was occupied at his busy job, I had time to fill. And living in a new city, without a posse of friends and family, shopping filled up time and space.
I’m happy to share that I am leveling off. I have taken a slight pause from shopping, but nowhere near a restricted fast. As I said in a previous blog posting- extremes aren’t good in any situation- whether it be overworking, overusing a blackberry, overwatching television, overdrinking, over hopping, it just ain’t good.
So, for me, I’m working toward striking a balance…the see-saw was up, the see-saw was down, but for now, it’s balancing somewhere close to the middle, although shaky at times, it’s hanging close to the middle.
One Day at a Time.
Miss F.
